Viuda Vanquishes Voracious Vacuum

LAKE BLUFF, Illinois – September 4, 2025

“It didn’t take long for me to realize I had the wrong kind of screwdriver,” the widow who calls herself Ridiculouswoman explained.

“In fact, after two YouTube videos on how to take the damn thing apart, I began to suspect the vacuum’s manufacturer was in cahoots with some secretive (and dwindling) guild of vacuum repair people.”

When asked why she had to disassemble her vacuum, Ridiculous explained, “I had just started vacuuming the carpet in my bedroom when the damn machine sucked two very long strings of yarn out from under the closet door! I don’t even know why I have that yarn anymore — I don’t know how to knit — but I used it a few years ago to blanket-stitch cut-up squares of old cashmere sweaters that had accidentally been put in the dryer to make a blanket for my great-nephew. Then I threw the yarn in the closet and forgot about it.

“Anyway, the machine stopped moving, and I think a red light came on. So I turned it off, UNPLUGGED IT (I am not an idiot) and turned it over. That’s when I saw the yarn coiled so tightly around the brush roll that I couldn’t possibly just pull it off.

“There was no obvious way to remove the brush roll, so, YouTube, naturally. The first video didn’t mention the weird kind of screwdriver you needed to remove the ten (TEN!) screws you have to take out of the base cover to get the brush roll out, but the second video did. It also showed how you have to pry off the little front wheels of the thing with a tiny flat screwdriver, which I happened to have, to get at two of the screws. Diabolical design.

“Hardware store and $20 later, I had a whole set of different sized Torx security screwdriver heads that could be inserted into the accompanying magnetic screwdriver handle. Googled to find out which size of tip I needed, since trial and error wasn’t going so well (15, it turns out).

“But after three or four screws, I discovered that the shaft of the handle was too short and thick to reach far enough into the openings for four of the ten screws. Back to YouTube guy, who made a point of explaining that the kind of screwdriver I needed wasn’t very common, and I’d probably have to order it on Amazon.”

At this point, Ridiculous paused to heave a big sigh.

“You know, as I’ve gotten older,” she continued, “I have a lot more patience with this kind of thing than I did a few years ago in my How Not To Paint a Room phase. So I got on Amazon and ordered what looked like a long, skinny Torx security screwdriver of the correct size, and resigned myself to waiting the four days it would take to arrive (maybe I should have told this story as a “how not to!”)

“So it wasn’t until last evening, September 4, that I finally brought the new longer, skinnier Torx size 15 security screwdriver upstairs, and used it to get the final four screws out of the bottom of the vacuum.

“Then back to YouTube to review how to get the cover off and the brush roll out without damaging the wires that connected the thing to the motor. I got the roller off the little belt and out of the machine, and was finally able to pull all the yarn (and thread, and hair, ewww) off it.

“Got the roller back on the belt and back into place, but had a slight moment of panic trying to get the cover back on in the right configuration over the wires. Finally I just stopped looking at it, turned it over and let the cover settle itself back on.

“Screwed it all back together, even the screws that go under the little wheels. Put the teeny little axles back through the teeny little wheels, and used the butt end of the screwdriver to just hammer those little bastards back in place, which I did without breaking them, yay me. (I’m not above using brute force when finesse fails).

“But I wasn’t going to declare victory until I tested the machine to make sure it would work after I put it all back together. A week of bits of Styrofoam all over the carpet from when I put the air conditioners away (did I mention that I successfully removed and stowed two heavy window air conditioners last week?) was worth it for the sense of satisfaction I got when I sucked those bits up with my self-repaired vacuum, adding vacuum cleaner repair to my repertoire of widow-work skills (but even if my husband was still living it, would have been me fixing the vacuum, along with resetting the WiFi, plunging the toilet, and finding myriad uses for duct tape in household repair. Mike wasn’t a handy guy. Chess and poetry were more his speed).

“So, upstairs bedroom and hallway now vacuumed and knee brace on, I’m goin’ to da Cubs game wid my brudder today! Yay me! Go Cubbies!”

With that, Ridiculouswoman limped away, smiling, but turned her head to say,

“Tell your readers I wish them the patience and persistence to fix their own vacuum cleaners (UNPLUGGED vacuum cleaners, for God’s sake, don’t be idiots!) reset their own WiFis, and find new and creative uses for duct tape!

“And with that, I remain,

their self-sufficient, arthritic-knee managing, physical-therapy attending, knee-exercise doing, el-riding-to-Wrigely,

Ridiculouswoman