Recall famous painter’s technique of splatter painting canvases placed on the floor, accessible from all angles.
Having completed front room walls and removed two inches of frog tape from ceiling and floor, regard floor.
Floor has become canvas.
Jackson Pollock you ain’t.
Sigh.
Contemplate possible cleaning techniques for wood floor.
Recall wood floor cleaning stuff gifted to you from company that refinished floors less than three years ago. AHA!
Now, tool.
Steel wool too scratchy.
Recall odd little green square scrubby thing for dishes.
Hmm.
If it is for dishes, must be reasonably gentle.
Select green scrubby thing as tool.
Starting in far corner, where precious high-boy writing desk hybrid goes, squirt floor cleaning stuff, and scrub.
Hmm. Comes off, but is smudgy.
Note plastic nature of paint splatters.
Imaginary light bulb above head.
Fingernail!
Test fingernail technique on long, skinny paint splatter.
Success!
Immediately regret having trimmed fingernails previous evening. Drat. These little stubs of fingernails combined with green dish scrubby thing will have to do.
Discover in short order that performing scrubbing task with what’s left of fingernails and green scrubby thing whilst (HA!) bending over from the waist is non-optimal. Back hurts.
Assume sitting position.
Discover that performing scrubbing task whilst (!) sitting facing splatters, one or both legs extended to the side, requires a degree of flexibility not yet attained through workouts.
Rotate to sit parallel to splatters, legs straight out in front.
Twist at waist, squirt cleaner, scrub with scrubby thing, pick remainder with stubby little fingernails.
Advance by walking forward one butt-cheek at a time.
Six hours later, gaze with admiration at exceptionally clean floor.
Recall Angelic Daughter’s astonishing patience in the face of need for food.
Arise.
Immediately determine that food will have to be obtained via fast food drive through, if you can make it to the car, that is.
Because it turns out that six solid hours of butt-cheek walking whilst (oh for God’s sake) twisting sideways, legs extended, results in never-before-experienced hip pain.
Deep, sharp hip pain. Walking difficult.
Eh, nothing Dr. Teal (Epsom salts) can’t handle.
Limp to car, sans shower. Drive through, right?
Place order at drive through squawk box thingee.
Advance.
Child at drive through window stares with (bemusement? shock? horror?) mild disgust at sweaty, paint encrusted old lady.
Hands over sandwich and smoothie.
Grip sandwich and smoothie delicately between thumbs and forefingers.
Eh, it’s wrapped up. Food remains pristine.
Drive home, present food to Angelic Daughter.
Attempt to climb stairs. Because, shower.
Discover malfunction in left leg, due to aforementioned (oh aren’t you just little Miss Multi-syllabic today!) hip pain.
Grip stair rail tightly.
Crawl toward tub, Teal, redemption and healing, expecting to walk normally next day.
Next day, limp toward furniture in need of return to appropriate placement in front room. This includes piano, high-boy writing desk hybrid, Grandma’s drop leaf table, Mother’s round bedside table, antique lamp, two other lamps, recliner, Ancestress Chair, couch, very heavy mid-century wooden telescope and tripod cases, with telescopes and tripods inside, several of Angelic daughter’s artworks and rolled up 9 by 12 fancy rug, first thing you bought together twenty years ago, all currently residing under enormous, heavy drop cloth.
Somehow figure out how five feet of you can fold and stow 9 feet by 12 feet of heavy drop cloth.
Begin dragging, pulling, swearing at and pleading with heavy 9 by 12 rug. Manage to wrestle it into position atop rug pad.
Crooked.
Swear, plead, pull, grunt, reposition rug.
No pad showing. Slight bit off by the fireplace, but who’ll notice? Good enough.
Commence shoving piano back into place.
Delicately walk step-Grandmother’s high-boy writing desk hybrid back to its corner.
Couch, recliner, Ancestress Chair, tables, lamps, artworks, telescopes.
Miraculously, nothing breaks.
Four hours later, crawl upstairs on hands and knees. Because, shower, tub, Teal, healing, tomorrow.
Four days later, work up strength to obtain and hang replacement curtains. Looks nice.
Observe again that two inches of frog tape on ceiling is apparently not enough to prevent ivory wall paint from marring white ceiling.
Decide that smudges and lines of ivory on white ceiling contribute to the rustic charm of 1948 Cape Cod. Isn’t that adorable! They did it themselves!
Real estate ladies everywhere recoil.
Mentally remind real estate ladies everywhere that you intend to stay in this house until removed feet first. Colorful smudges and charm in home decor will be exclusively their problem, then.
Smile. Expect Hope to enjoy several more decades (knock wood, don’t tempt fate) of eccentric color scheme, ceiling smudges and imperfect wall-ceiling intersections in charming home.
Because it’s a shitty paint job, but it’s my paint job.
With dining room and two bathrooms yet to come, I remain,
Your not-Jackson-Pollock sloppy do-it-yourself painter, suffering the consequences of her determination to do it herself (because, no money to pay someone),
Ridiculouswoman
