Yes, revolutions, not resolutions. We originally called them that because it was probably just a cute way Angelic Daughter referred to resolutions. But a few years ago I decided to take it seriously, to do something radical and irrevocable: not just the usual “eat healthier” or “exercise more,” but changing something fundamental that I couldn’t take back, that might not only have a positive effect, but help me move forward, into something completely new.
My last six years of New Year’s Revolution posts has been a chronicle of half-success or outright failure at changing things, but I give myself credit that I tried, and that I did manage to change some things in some way.
Last year (or was it two years ago? Pandemic time – can’t remember) I tried abandoning making a list of things to accomplish in the coming year and instead, adopted a “nudge” word, something to guide my decisions and motivate me toward getting up and doing what needed to be done. Last year’s word was ” build.” Build a better life for Angelic Daughter, and a fuller life, with more support and friendships, for me.
I’m giving myself a passing grade. I got all my estate documents redone, and a more rational line-up of successors to care for Angelic Daughter’s needs, and I started a MeetUp group which has resulted in the birth of a few new friendships that look like they could last. It’s also given me a chance to push myself to find new and interesting things to do with other older single people like me who want to stay engaged but are far less comfortable than I am in getting out there and doing things on their own.
On the Angelic Daughter front, it’s slow going, but she has agreed to at least try some recreational programs where she might meet new friends this year. Problem is, she wants neurotypical friends, and the only neurotypicals in these programs are the staff, who aren’t there to be any one participant’s best buddy.
Her old neurotypical friends from school have all graduated from law or business school, or are pursuing master’s degrees in professions like psychology or special education or international economic development, and they’ve all moved to the city or to a different state, so they’re only available maybe once or twice a year to hang out with her. So the next task is to get her to agree to at least try going back to a part-time job–something like hostessing at a restaurant, where her uncanny ability to remember names and birthdays could charm the clientele, or that would take advantage of her natural impulse to be helpful, wiping down tables or sweeping up hair in a salon, or organizing shelves. That’s the best way for her to have regular interaction with neurotypical peers and members of the community who know her, and to meet new people who might see her regularly at whatever job we could possibly find for her (no easy task).
“I’m going to live with you in our house forever, Mom” isn’t a realistic plan. Helping her understand that is painful but necessary.
So what about me this year? I like the nudge word idea still, so this year, I’ve got two: sweep and sleep.
I’m planning to retire the second I get my Medicare card (God and Congress willing that Medicare still exists) and from that moment I have a few simple goals: a thorough “Swedish death cleaning” (no, not planning to die, quite the contrary – just planning to shovel out this house so when I do, thirty-odd years from now, whoever is left to sort it all out has less to sort out) and a rigorous devotion to better “sleep hygiene.”
I spend far too much time parked in front of the TV in my boudoir, staying up too late bingeing whatever (last year, all the Chicago shows–Fire, PD, and Med), most recently “Slow Horses” (really, really good) on Apple TV Plus, and The Crown on Netflix. But when I exert the discipline to go to bed at a reasonable hour, the feeling in the morning when I wake up is a revelation – wow, I didn’t know I could feel that good when I first wake up in the morning, despite the snaps, crackles, and pops my joints make when I get to my feet. Who knew? So, do that. Let’s do that more.
So how about you? If you were to choose a “nudge” word (or words) for 2024, what would it or they be? Share in the comments and we could get a good conversation going (conversation, that’s a good one, too).
Until then, I remain,
your ever-imperfect, always-trying-but-rarely-succeeding, hopeful-but-realistic, weirdly optimistic (seriously, in this world? but what other choice do we have?),
Ridiculouswoman
My daughter on the spectrum also rejects making friends with others who have disabilities- and not even just neuro-atypicals. She can’t seem to make a healthy boundary to separate her empathetic nature from her own issues and theirs and they overwhelm her. She is maturing, however, and right now, years in the planning, she is fulfilling a lifelong desire to have her own dog. …As for me, I am nudging myself along the path of looking through more accepting and loving lenses at this troubled world. I ,too, must make a strong healthy boundary and filter out the overwhelming media proof that doom is inevitable. I am sure that upheaval is happening to the old order, but I do not wish to feed my fear or despair into the world. Looking for love and light and finding it here on your blog. Best wishes to you and yours in this new year.
Thanks, Judi – your blog has been a source of serenity and reassurance for me; you’ve stuck with me since the start and I appreciate it! Hope you and family have a peaceful and gently expanding Nea Year full of love and growth.
I just finished posting my New Year blog, and was happy to see that you, too, posted one. Your words always give me something to think about. I like the idea of a “nudge” word, but I haven’t come up with one yet. I just remember a story that John Lennon told about meeting Yoko Ono. She was putting on a show of performance art, and one exhibit was a very tall step ladder that went almost to the top of a very high ceiling. John climbed the ladder and when he got to the top he saw that she had written the word “YES” on the ceiling. He said that if she had written something negative he would have walked out, but the positive word made him want to meet her, and the rest is history. So, for now, I’ll use “Yes” as my nudge word. May you and your Angelic Daughter have a Happy New Year.
Thanks, Earl,same to you! “Yes” is a great nudge word! If you know anything about improvisation (making up the show as you go) it’s bedrock principle is saying “yes…and…” to accept and build upon what a teammate started- works wonders and leads to wonderful, surprising discoveries!
I guess my reply didn’t go through, so I’ll repeat it.
I find that as a writer I am much better at finding the right words eventually, rather than improvising. However, I did join an Improv group at MeetUp called Improve Get Togethers during Covid to pass the time. It’s been a lot of fun, even though I’m a slow learner. I did learn about “Yes…and” and not to ask questions, though.
Great post. I guess my NW would be “inside”. I am very bound by our family situation (my autistic son doesn’t have language enough to articulate he wants to stay home forever, but I’m sure he is planning something like that! ;). And we have some serious illness in the family that’s probably going to affect much of the year. So I have to remind myself to go “inside” and work with my thoughts and feelings, try to make them more positive, because as for the world “outside” it’s kinda stuck. I can’t do an awful lot to change it!
Sounds like you’ve found a good coping strategy. Dealing with illness in the family is always hard and sooner or later it comes to us all. Wishing you success with your “inside” theme and hopes for better days to come.