Shit? Meet Fan! The Reign of the Boys-Who-Never-Grew-Up Begins

The baby pulls the pacifier out of its mouth, and drops it on the floor. Mom or Dad picks it up, rinses it off, and gives it back. The baby does it again. Mom or Dad pick it up again. Rinse and repeat, a few hundred times. Baby has learned about cause and effect: but baby has also learned how to push parental buttons. “If I do this, THEY DO THAT! HAHAHAHAHAH!”

The infant in the high chair slams its hands down on the tray, causing the Cheerios to fly off and drop to the floor. Baby looks surprised. Mom or Dad smile indulgently, and replenish the Cheerios, while sweeping up the ones that hit the deck.

Baby’s surprise turns to contemplation. It does it again. This time, however, with great deliberation (some might call it malice aforethought), the baby slowly sweeps its hands across the high chair tray, shoving the Cheerios over the edge, all the while intently watching Mom or Dad’s face.

Soon, there are no more Cheerios. The parents make a decision not to go to the store and buy more that day. Tough luck, kid. You thought you were in charge?

There comes a point in every new parent’s life when they decide to revoke their infant’s “isn’t that cute!” card, and retake control.

The laughable, outrageous, and frankly dangerous nominations the President-Elect has put forward are like the baby shoving the Cheerios over the edge. “Look! See what I can do! You can’t stop me! You’ll do what I want, because everybody loves me and thinks I’m cute! I do stuff they wish they could do! I ignore rules! And if you don’t do what I say you won’t get re-elected! HAHAHAHAHA!”

The thing is, Senators, at least the ones that aren’t pathetic, ass-kissing sycophants like Lindsey Graham, like to think of themselves as important, and responsible for weighty matters of governance. They don’t appreciate deliberately being put in a political bind — a bind that could create a Constitutional crisis– with absurd nominations. They like to at least look like they’re making considered decisions, after appropriate deliberation. So this form of loyalty test isn’t going to go over well.

Senate Republicans just elected John Thune, the guy who said that the President-elect’s actions on January 6, 2021, were inexcusable, as majority leader. The Senate might be the last bastion of parental control over the infant-elect and his baby-boy bros. Will they have the spine to reject unqualified nominees? Will Thune have the fortitude not to allow recess appointments? His statements on the subject aren’t particularly reassuring.

I’m praying that the Senate will stay in session long enough to reject the most appalling, offensive, and laughable appointments: Matt Gaetz (who resigned just in time to prevent the House Ethics Committee from releasing the report of their investigation into sexual misconduct, drug use, and sharing inappropriate videos on the House floor, and who has never served as a prosecutor at any level) for Attorney General; Pete Hegseth (the Fox News talking head with white supremacist tattoos who was removed from the detail assigned to protect the 2020 inauguration because of links to right-wing militia groups and extremist views posted online) for Secretary of Defense; and Robert. F. Kennedy Jr. (the guy with the wormhole in his brain) as head of the Department of Health and Human Services. These nominations are the infant’s way of thumbing its nose at established Constitutional norms. “Take that, you…you…Senators!!!!”

These ghastly nominations follow upon the shit show of the past few weeks, which included a parade of boys-who-never-grew-up gleefully flaunting their immaturity and frat-boy sensibilities in support of their infant-in-chief-elect. Did we really need to know the fantasy porn role Tucker Carlson gets off on? (“Daddy’s home! You’ve been a bad girl! I’m going to give you a spanking!)

Out there in what is unironically called the “manosphere,” legions of petulant adult boy children are doing their best to push our buttons, rubbing their hands (and God knows what else) in anticipation of the outraged response they will elicit from the grown ups. One of them is a Hitler-admiring, misogynistic, white-supremacist named Nick Fuentes. He has been pegged as the originator of the “your body, my choice” rape threat that young women have been targeted with in schools, on campuses, and in public places.

He got “doxxed” (his home address posted online) as a result. And what did he do? First, he claimed it was just a joke (they always do).

Then he ran home to his Mommy.

These “jokes” have real effects on real people. In my state, assault, defined as “when, without lawful authority, (a person) knowingly engages in conduct which places another in reasonable apprehension of receiving a battery” is a criminal offense.

It’s important to note, you don’t have to touch a person to commit an assault. It’s placing someone in fear of being touched in an offensive way that forms the offense. (ILCS 720 5/12-1)

Under the same law, criminal battery is “knowingly without legal justification by any means (1) causes bodily harm to an individual or (2) makes physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature with an individual.” Both assault and battery are also actionable in civil lawsuits.

Turns out the boys-who-never-grew-up, who lob threats from their Mommy’s basement toward people they hate or resent or blame for their own failure to launch, and who hide behind fake justifications like “it was just a joke” or “I’m not a bad guy, I just play one on the internet,” could end up facing some real legal consequences.

Then they’ll run to “Daddy” for help. Where they will discover that, although he finds them mildly amusing, “Daddy” isn’t interested in them, unless they are cheering deliriously for him at some six-hour, racist, misogynist rally. And they think “Daddy” will pay their bail, their fines, and their legal bills? HAHAHAHAH! Tough luck: he’s too focused on avoiding his own.

And for the actual grown up men out there, working themselves to the bone to try to provide for their families or afford home ownership, who were duped into voting for a boy-who-never-grew-up, I’m sorry, but, as petulant children often are, your infant-elect is entirely focused on getting even with people he thinks have wronged him. He has the attention span of a gnat for anything that doesn’t benefit him directly. Helping you out is not high on his priority list. Too bad, so sad.

But failing to get “Daddy’s” attention won’t stop pugnacious, pugilistic little thugs from trying to provoke the grown-ups. It will probably make them try harder.

I urge you, don’t take their bait. Like the infant in the high chair, these baby boys love nothing more than pushing buttons and receiving predictable responses. They stick their chins out in defiant little pouts and say outrageous things ostensibly because they think they’re being denied something they deserve, or are entitled to–when all they really want is attention.

Their “Daddy”-elect won’t give it to them. Neither should you.

And regarding the pouter-in-chief-elect, Bernice King’s advice in a Facebook post from 2017, remains relevant: “Don’t assign his actions to him, assign them to “The Republican Administration,” or “The Republicans.” … he will not get the focus of attention he craves.” (emphasis mine).

Nothing pisses off a narcissist more than being ignored.

Ms. King also counseled keeping demonstrations peaceful, quoting John Lennon: The establishment will irritate you…- to make you fight! Because once they’ve got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor.“

Humor! Narcissists and boys-who-never-grew-up love to make fun of others, but can’t take a joke. So as Ms. King said, support artists and the arts. Stick up for your favorite comedians and late night hosts.

And take in this bit of good news: The Onion bought Infowars — with the approval of the Sandy Hook families. That’s just funny. Really funny. (Update: the bankruptcy judge has put a hold on the sale, pending the court’s review).

Hoping the sale goes through but happy for the reminder to read The Onion more regularly, I remain,

Your taking-the-long-view, confident-the-chaos-is-coming-but-that-Republican-voters-will-eventually-wake-up-and-realize-that-the-Leopard-they-voted-for-is-eating-their-face-too,

Ridiculouswoman