It was SO hot and humid Thursday that walking outside was like breathing soup. My stalwart little un-airconditioned house did its level best to stay cool, keeping in the air from two days before, and we pretended there was a noticeable difference between the 98 (“feels like 105”) outside and the 92 (or so) inside.
Last Thursday was the seventh anniversary of Mike’s passing. It was miserably hot the night he died, too. The heat made me think too much about how I probably didn’t sponge him off enough to cool him, or swab his mouth often enough with the minty stuff the hospice nurses left.
There’s nothing useful about regret, unless you learn something from it. One way author and researcher Daniel Pink offers of dealing with regret is to turn it from an “if only” to an “at least I…”
I’m working on that.
Angelic Daughter is finally showing signs that she has internalized the reality of Mike’s permanent absence. She’s starting to accept that she can move forward in her life and that’s OK, because Dad will always be a part of her. And that part includes both good memories and grief. Grief changes you forever, but it doesn’t mean you can’t keep changing.
I took her out for our annual visit to Ravinia Park, (Chicago’s Tanglewood) to see the movie Encanto with the score played by a live orchestra. We ate a really good dinner at one of the park restaurants. She had a cookie ice cream sandwich for dessert. I resisted buying an expensive t-shirt for her that she probably wouldn’t have worn much anyway. We sat inside the pavilion with a great view of both the orchestra and the screen.
On to Labor Day weekend, followed by the critical decision of what to be for Halloween so I can order her a costume in the right size in time. Then there will be the fall excursions, with apple picking, horseback riding, leaf peeping, pumpkin seeking, cider, butternut squash soup, and, I hope, a revival of the special needs Halloween party she looks forward to so much.
For the eighth year without Mike.
But why keep counting? This is our life, now, and it has been since August 24, 2016. The presence of Mike’s absence walks with us everywhere, and it always will. So I’m calling time on counting. Time to just do the things we do.
A huge monarch butterfly came flitting insistently in front of the kitchen door windows across from my desk yesterday morning, and the butterfly bush attracted a late season hummingbird the other day, too. I still see these creatures as messages from Mike, little shoves of encouragement to get out there, get busy, find constructive ways to enjoy what I have left of life.
I’ve scheduled several upcoming MeetUps through September. My group has been going to a lot of fun, but very loud, events, or tours that offer interesting information but no time to get to know each other. So I’m also scheduling a few more informal coffee talk type MeetUps. I tried a attending a chess group, but I realized that was just another backward-looking way to remember Mike.
I’m still working on consciously practicing (and practicing, and practicing) gratitude, to take a few moments to thank the great Creator for an evening like last night, for cool overnight temperatures that gave us both deep, restful (and long, for Angelic Daughter) sleep, and for the increasingly rare fresh, clean morning air that streams in our open windows.
But feeling grateful shouldn’t be so hard–I shouldn’t have to practice it, I should just feel it. But there I go with the self-deprecating regret, again. At least I do have many genuine moments of gratitude, for the good fortune of living where I do, and just for living. I’m getting to the point where just waking up in the morning should be regarded as a semi-miraculous event.
So, as my I approach what could easily turn into my cranky old lady “you kids get off my lawn!” years (no kids ever go on my lawn, who am I kidding) I’m going to try to maintain a more positive outlook by slowing down, tempering my expectations, giving myself a break (ok, so you ate a bit too much yesterday, it’s not a disaster!) and appreciating the simple joys of a gorgeous blue sky day, a ripe tomato (I better go pick that, before the chipmunk figures out a way to dig under the crop coop that’s been protecting it so far), and a big, fat, shimmering super blue moon rising out of the lake tonight to cast its silver glow across the yard.
Trying for a mellower me, I remain,
your solitary, slowing, but not stagnating, just simplifying,
Ridiculouswoman
That counting habit- it is not anything I really need to do for myself or my family anymore- anniversaries of birth, marriage, and death dates will always register, and trigger whatever memories or nostalgia they do. But those days are no longer something I need to prepare myself for experiencing It is a habit that is naturally waning for me as well. I figure whatever arises will arise and I will open to it as best I can. And let it go by. Sweetness is something I feel more than sorrow these days, and that is a big gratitude. Gratitude practice is something I cleave to and I believe it pays off benefits more and more over time. Gratitude for you and your generous sharing.
It sounds like you had a very rough anniversary of a terrible day. I don’t think it will be easy to stop counting the years, but I hope that you will keep making all the days count. So, I’m glad that you and your daughter did get out to find a little enjoyment in the cool night air. The only thing that surprised me was that you order her Halloween costumes. I really thought that you were the kind of person who created them yourself. My Mom and Dad had as much fun making our costumes as we had trick or treating in those costumes. But let’s not skip to October so quickly. Enjoy what’s left of Summer and have a refreshingly cool Autumn.
I used to make the costumes! One year when we had no money, I made a Percy (from Thomas the Tank Engine) costume from foam and felt-I was so proud of how I got the facial expression right! But costumes get more complicated for adults, especially when they must immediately convey a well-known character from a Disney movie. Just a few more hot days over the weekend and it should be a merciful slide into the cooler days and slanted sunlight of fall!